a minus

I'm an overachiever. Or at least I used to be. And I'm not stating that in an effort to brag or say I'm super fantastic or anything like that. Personally I think anyone can be an overachiever should they choose that route. It simply requires tuning out anyone in the near (or far) vicinity who could possibly rain on your parade. I definitely grew up with some odds to overcome but incapable was never a word I heard out of my parents' mouths. And so I made it well into junior high believing all 5'2" of me would some day dunk a basketball in the NBA.

Something happened toward the end of high school/beginning of college to change that. I couldn't pinpoint a single moment or even moments. Perhaps it came with the difficulty of getting a college to look at me for soccer despite some pretty outstanding stats. Perhaps small town syndrome had finally caught me. Perhaps the accumulation of the naysayers' words had finally registered. Or maybe I simply tired of the high energy it took to overachieve and said eff it when I entered college.

I spent the first semester of college setting the record for least classes attended without flunking out and achieved the grades to reflect it. Not that they were particularly bad grades by most standards but for me they were the lowest I'd ever seen in my life. I suppose it was a sort of rebellion I'd never had before. 'Course the only person impacted by my rebellion was myself. Not that the grades were what hurt me. I still finished college with a high enough GPA that it would benefit me in whatever I wanted to do. But something changed with that and I became more sensitive to others' criticism, believing them to the point that I didn't go for things I wanted that I wouldn't have thought twice about going for when I was younger. And sadly that's followed me to this day... or at least it has partially.

I've gone on and attained a Masters degree with flying colors but as far as acutal career accomplishments I feel as though I haven't achieved anything. And I know achievement isn't measured on awards or accolades or anything that can be statistically analyzed. A lot of people look at me and say things like, "Wow! You're really doing something to help the world. You must really love it!" or "How fulfilling!" or "Wow, you're really doing good for others." Howevever, when I know I'm involved in something not entirely fulfilling to my soul it doesn't feel that way to me. I know what I've done in the past and am doing currently is helping others but I have a lot of mixed feelings with that. One being that I feel it's kind of arrogant to assume people need me (or anyone) to help unless they ask for it. And it seems to me that while the goal of non-profits is to uplift people the words and techniques utilized to do so more often patronize. I could get into a whole long spiel regarding this but this is a side topic to the point of this post so I'll save that for later.

I suppose I feel sort of that I got into social services in part because I lost sight of my dreams (professional athlete, best selling author, creative inventor, etc.) and maybe I wanted to ensure that other children never let that happen to themselves. However, if you aren't entirely what you want to be then you can't be a complete role model to others and now I'm realizing that. If I'm able to follow my authentic dreams then I'll naturally help others to do the same.

There's a feeling of helplessness that accompanies this realization. A feeling of begin stuck on a hamster wheel. Difficulty breathing. And it's quite reflective in my current position. I'm a firm believer in life reflecting to you what you need to learn in order to grow and develop and it's never been so obvious. I've been in my current job position for just over two years now and have felt stuck there for almost that entire time. I knew going in I was overqualified for the position but it was the time when the economy started taking the blame for everything. And I needed a full time job at that point to make the bills. I figured I'd work there until I could find something else. But something else never came along and I justified it because I was finishing my Masters and then I was too tired after working and going to school full time to look for another job and then I was applying to PhD programs. Now that I'm done with all of that it's readily apparent what a horrible position I've put myself in. I work for an organization that takes advantage of the kindness of others, doesn't encourage and develop their employees' skills and abilities, and in fact, takes it a step further and attempts to bring them down a notch. And I take full responsibility for being in this position. I'm the only one who can give away my power.

So I've spent the last couple months figuring out how I can get out of this position and so much is pointing toward just up and quitting. I know simply being here is holding me back because I question myself and what I'm capable of on a daily basis. So much so that even though I know this is something I need to do for my welfare I'm unable to do it because I've become paralyzed with the fear of not having a paycheck. It's amazing how much something like that can be used to control a person (or an entire population). And that's not someone I want to be.

This was completely thrown in my face this past Fri. when my co-worker and I were training some college students for the program we run and our executive director (who's a case study in and of himself) attended it. This was the first time in his two and a half year tenure with this organization that he'd been to one of the trainings we conduct (despite it being an extremely important part of what we do). Half way through there was a bit of a break and he went off on what a great job we were doing. He then continued to go off even further on how amazing my co-worker was and what a natural she is at it, and she's definitely an A+. Then, he casually turned to me and said, "And you're like an A-" He didn't have any idea that what he'd said was completely inappropriate despite the looks of shock on both myself and my co-worker's faces. I wanted to say, "Well, if that's how you feel then see how you do the rest of the year without me," and walk out. But I wasn't about to do that in front of the future volunteers we were training.

But really I was a big, fat wuss. If I'd had a few more balls I would have walked out. Because this isn't the first time he's done things like this, particularly to me. He's constantly commenting on how wonderful my co-worker's writing ability is but that he's here to help me develop mine. It's absurd because I feel like writing, teaching, and public speaking are actually three of my biggest strengths (I could be the delusional one, though ) and he's one of the only people ever in my life to think I suck in these areas. I don't know why he feels the need to put me down but I've had all I can take. Everyone says to talk to him; however, I've already done that, as well as addressed it to others and obviously nothing's changed despite my high hopes that things were different. I like to believe in the best in everyone but I know he isn't a good person for me to be around if I want to achieve all I dream of. While I know an A- isn't bad I don't want to be an A- in my life, I want to be the A+. And somehow that's what I'm going to be!