backing that arse up

I love to dance. Anywhere. Anytime. With anyone. Well, okay, almost anyone. I'm pretty adverse to dancing with those boys who think it's appropriate to approach a girl at a club by humping her butt. I like to be twirled, dipped, and don't even mind some dirty dancing once I'm comfortable with my dance partner (which comes after the face to face twirling and dipping); however, there's something entirely too primative about the butt approach for me. I'm really not into alpha males who are still in the beginning stages of human evolution. Particularlythose who love to advertise that at dance clubs.

That being said I still love to go out dancing. In fact, that's the only reason I enjoy clubs at all. Otherwise I'd be okay without ever experiencing that meat market. Other drinking establishments are different. Sure people go there to hook up but just as many go simply because they have a friend in town, it's someone's birthday or they've tired of drinking in their own home. It seems to me that the only reason to go to a club is to dance or hook up. Sometimes both happens. And that's fine. I'm not against people getting their groove on with random strangers. I am against the approach most men use to get this groove on (and really women too but that's not for this post). I've actually dated a guy I met at a club dancing... for a solid three months (long term relationship in my book).

And even with that experience I would still never expect to meet a man I could potentially have a relationship with at a club. A regular bar (or maybe a Snoop Dogg concert) for sure but not a club. This was never more obvious to me than this past Saturday when I went with a group of friends to a local club. I suppose I should keep in mind that this was a club notorious for a much younger, slightly less sophisticated crowd and it was the night before the big Vday so the vast majority of the people there were probably single, lonely, and looking to score. Or maybe those were just the ones I interacted with...

At any rate I was approached from behind by no less than two dozen males (and I know they were males even without turning around), asked for my phone number by at least half of them and some who had the balls to approach from in front, as well as invited home that night by two of them. The quickness in their approach to conquer was admirable. I'd never seen anything quite like it because although I was highly intoxicated I'm certain I wasn't giving off the have your way with me signals. Although I suppose high intoxication alone might give off these same signals. These men had no qualms about approaching those wearing a ring on the fourth finger of their left hand, those standing next to their large male significant other or those who use the word NO without mumbling (although slurring might sound like mumbling to some) over and over.

Now lest you think I'm getting a big ego about all of these men wanting to be with me I know it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it was me. It was solely because I have boobs and an arse... and other body parts. And the next day was the big Vday and they were lonely and horny. I know this because soon as I said the word no enough times for them to realize I wasn't actually saying yes they moved right on to the next gal with absolutely no shame in their game. And these gals were literally standing right next to me. Some of them being my friends. Needless to say I had to fight the extreme temptation to hand them my digits.



Sometimes you have to get onstage to escape the butt humpers

valentine's haters

I should probably start with stating that I am not one of them. Despite never having had an actual stereoptypical Valentine in my entire life (well, except for this year, which ended up not being stereotypical anyway so not sure it counts in the ways of Hallmark, which is how I stereotype the day). Despite being dumped at one point the day before the big Vday after a lame Mexican dinner followed by some Million Dollar Baby (In all fairness I probably would've dumped someone after seeing that film too.). Which are typically the things that seem to make most people I know hate the big Vday.

I have always loved the big Vday because I love holidays in general. Or more accurately celebrations. Of any kind. In college one of my friends somehow had access to a list of strange holidays (like Oreo cookie day and hang your shirts outside to dry rather than use electricity day), which we would celebrate simply in order to have an excuse to drink (or bother our other friends). Halloween is my all time fav because you have to dress up (not that that's stopped me from dressing up for other holidays/celebrations/regular days of the week) and eat loads of candy (not that that's stopped me from eating loads of candy every other day of the week).

Aside from the fact that the big Vday's a holiday and I get to eat a lot of candy and dress up if I really wanted to (although I generally avoide the pink and red color pallette that day cuz that's taking things a little too far) I also like that it's about love. And not the Hallmark box of chocolates/generic poetic cards/flowers pre-packaged induced romance that we're led to believe is Valentine's Day. But rather a day to remember and celebrate how much you love and are loved by those around you (whether a boyfriend/fiance/husband, girlfriend/fiance/wife, other family members, or friends you haven't slept with). I've already mentioned what an amazing support crew I have so there's always been much love to celebrate on the big Vday even without a man involved. Even the Vday I was dumped I went in to teach my elementary school class hoping I wouldn't have a breakdown in front of them (not that they would've remembered it the next day). But once I got there and all the kids had their homemade Valentines for me and other heartfelt tokens of their appreciation for me I broke down in another way. It was quite touching to realize that even if this dumb dude didn't love me there was a class full of little kids who did and would continue to unconditionally.

And my loves and I have always made it an event. There was the year in college that we volunteered at a big Vday dance for people with disabilities. Then went out afterwards and got smashed. There was another year in college we went to a bar and passed out condoms as a part of the Safer Sex Patrol (an honest to goodness legit campus organization) and also proceeded to get smashed. There was a couple years ago when something like twelve of us were single and decided to invade an Italian restaurant, proceeding to make every couple in there wish they'd either stayed home or chosen a different locale (wonder how many of them lasted). And then proceeded to get smashed. Then, last year a bunch of us (singles and couples) decided to take on Vegas, where far as I know no one got any action... but proceeded to get so smashed none of the fifteen or so of us could manage to consume alcohol for the rest of the trip.

So that has established that I love the big Vday. However, this year I came to fully understand why some people legitimately might not. I had the unfortunate experience of watching the movie Valentine's Day in is entirety in the theatre for $10 and I might as well have watched the Valentine's Day Massacre movie. It left me highly tempted to sue New Line Cinema and any other organization that conspired on behalf of this movie for the I lost hours of my life I'll never get back. And I went in with high hopes. I'm not the biggest chick flick fan but I'm becoming more open minded to them and it looked like it had some "He's Just Not That Into You" potential (Hey, I thought that was a pretty funny movie!). Oh, I was so wrong and for a moment I became a Vday hater. I realized that while I love the big Vday because of the way I choose to observe it I don't love it the way most people choose to observe it.

Many peeps use it as the one day a year they "have" to show their affection for their sweetie. And the fact that these people even have a sweetie but don't find it enjoyable to express their supposed love, respect, and admiration for that person on a regular basis makes me really sad for them. The huge stands with tons of red cheesy stuff, flowers, heart shaped objects made of plastic, nasty tasting chocolate, etc. made me really want to puke in my mouth (I may have a little) because that isn't what love is. I think that stuff is fun for the kids but really if some guy ever tries to show his affection for me with a red, heart shaped stuffed pillow thing I will send that man packing (unless he's really cute and trying to be a smart ass... and has a nice ass). I actually had a Valentine this year (I decided this on my own so he may or may not be aware of this) and we proceeded to get smashed at a bar with friends... Best. Vday. Ever!



Perhaps if peeps dressed like this for the big Vday they'd enjoy it more!